Friday, December 28, 2012

Al Qaeda Disbands; Says Job Of Destroying U.S. Economy Now In Congress’s Hands

December 28, 2012

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today, saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”
In an official statement published on the group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress’s conduct during the so-called “fiscal-cliff” showdown convinced the terrorists that they had been outdone.
“We’ve been working overtime trying to come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy,” said Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. “But even we couldn’t come up with something like this.”
Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the year “is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain.”
“As terrorists, every now and then you have to step back and admire when someone has beaten you at your own game,” he said. “This is one of those times.”
The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many scary videos over the years but none of them was as terrifying as Mitch McConnell.”
As for the future of Al Qaeda, the statement said that it would no longer operate as a terror network but would become “more of a social network,” offering reviews of new music, movies and video games.
In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave the film “Zero Dark Thirty” two thumbs down.

Yes, George W. Bush did what he could to get the ball rolling... And, truth be told, Islamic terrorists prostrate themselves in gratitude. However -- now that John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell and increasingly cranky Tea Party leadership have seized control from the Republican Old Guard -- al Qaeda recognizes the time has come to leave this decisive work to quisling professionals who can achieve complete economic chaos with maximum speed and efficiency. 

Personally, I hope American "conservatives" -- and the right-wing radio hosts who keep them well-informed -- continue their insuperably good work vouchsafing the mid-term success of American Liberalism. Who -- other than these men (and Ann Coulter) -- could devise an agenda so single-mindedly devoted to infuriate women, to enrage minorities, and to alienate young people for at least a generation?

I bow before their brilliance.

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