WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to avert another debacle like the one at his rally in Tulsa, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday that he was offering economic-stimulus checks to anyone willing to come to his next rally, in Arizona.
Displaying a sample check in the Oval Office, Trump said that he hoped eventually to put millions of unemployed Americans back to work as full-time audience members at his rallies.
“The dishonest media are saying that people wouldn’t go to one of my rallies if I paid them,” Trump said. “Well, we’ll see about that.”
Larry Kudlow, Trump’s economic adviser, said that the twelve-hundred-dollar stimulus checks would be paid “in installments, based on how long the recipients actually stay at the rally.”
“If you walk out after the first hour, you only get six hundred,” he said. “You’re really going to have to earn the full twelve hundred.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
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