"Experts Recommend Disinfecting Television After Trump Has Been On"
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—People should get in the habit of thoroughly disinfecting their televisions after Donald J. Trump has been on, a cross-section of experts confirmed on Tuesday.
“If you have access to disinfectant wipes, thoroughly clean the television,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, said. “If the television is on your kitchen counter, wipe down the counter and put any dishes and other kitchen items that were exposed to Trump in the dishwasher. This won’t eliminate all traces of Trump, but it can’t hurt.”
Dr. Carol Foyler, of U.C.L.A. advised that “disinfecting your television is good as far as it goes, but everyone needs to be aware that, if Trump has been on TV, it is possible that Trump has been transmitted to you through the air.”
“I would take off your clothes, put them in the wash, and take a shower,” she said. “After you get out of the shower, if you have hand sanitizer, slather your naked body with it. This is what I do after Trump has been on.”
Logsdon agreed with Foyler’s recommendations but added, “I burn my clothes.”
Dr. Harland Dorrinson, of Wake Forest, agreed with the other experts but called disinfecting one’s television and burning one’s clothes “half-measures.”
“Last week, I had the TV on, and suddenly they cut away for a Trump briefing,” he said. “I put on latex gloves and unplugged the television. I carefully placed the television in a garbage bag, sealed it securely with duct tape, and put it out on the street. Everyone should do this right now.”
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