The Parable Of The Flood (And The Catastrophic Foolishness Of Overly Abstract Gods)

Alan: Earlier this evening, I was reminded of this story by two Mexican friends, Herlinda and Ismael, who recounted it over homemade chile relleno.

The Parable Of The Flood: How Easily Faith -- Particularly Passionate Faith -- Is Perverted By Subtle Egotism.

There was a huge flood and an entire city is on the verge of being swallowed by the waters. 

The Police and Rescue Agencies are running all over the place trying to get people to safety.

So they send a rescue boat over to this house where a guy's sitting on the roof with the water lapping around his ankles and they say "Come quickly! There isn't much time!

"

And the man replies nonchalantly: "Oh it's ok, God will provide."

About an hour later, the same boat returns past the same house and again they notice the fellow sitting on the roof, only the water is up to his waist now.

"Quick" they say, get in the boat, it's going to get worse before it gets better.

"Don't worry," he shouts back. "God will provide."

Later, as the sun is starting to set, a rescue helicopter flies over the area and notices the guy, now standing on the peak of the roof with only his head above water. 

"GRAB THE ROPE!" they cry "IT'S YOUR ONLY HOPE!"

"Don't worry" he replies calmly "God will provide."

A short time later, the man is swept to his death, and as he reaches The Pearly Gates, he's a little ticked off with God for drowing him and shouts angrily: "I had FAITH, I BELIEVED in you - and you didn't help me."

"Help you?" God replied. "What more did you want? I sent  two boats and a helicopter!"

Another rendition:

The Parable of the Flood

A man was trapped in his house during a flood. He began praying to God to rescue him. He had a vision in his head of God’s hand reaching down from heaven and lifting him to safety. The water started to rise in his house. His neighbour urged him to leave and offered him a ride to safety. The man yelled back, “I am waiting for God to save me.” The neighbour drove off in his pick-up truck.

The man continued to pray and hold on to his vision. As the water began rising in his house, he had to climb up to the roof. A boat came by with some people heading for safe ground. They yelled at the man to grab a rope they were ready to throw and take him to safety. He told them that he was waiting for God to save him. They shook their heads and moved on.

The man continued to pray, believing with all his heart that he would be saved by God. 

flood waters continued to rise. 

A helicopter flew by and a voice came over a loudspeaker offering to lower a ladder and take him off the roof. 

The man waved the helicopter away, shouting back that he was waiting for God to save him. 

The helicopter left. The flooding water came over the roof and caught him up and swept him away. He drowned.

When he reached The Pearly Gates, the man was in a righteous snit: “God, why did you not save me? I believed in you with all my heart. Why did you let me drown?” 

God replied, “I sent you a pick-up truck, a boat and a helicopter and you refused them all. What else could I do?”

Another One...

So this guy's rollerblading down a mountain - which isn't a bloody intelligent thing to do for a start - when he sails off the edge of a cliff into the air. Just before he plummets to the ground, he manages to catch hold of the root of a tree which is hanging out of the cliff face.
So he's hanging there and isn't really sure what the hell he's going to do - his arms are getting tired, he can't hold on for much longer, there's no way to climb up, and no ledge to stand on - when he hears this voice calling to him.
"DAVE" the voice says - for that was his name, and I was going to mention it at the beginning of the joke, but forgot - "DAVE!"

Dave's a bit surprised, because he was sure that there was no-one else up the mountain with him. But he can hear this voice.. "Yes?" Dave says "Is someone up there?"

"YES" the voice replies "THERE IS"

"Help Me!" Dave cries, "I can't hold on much longer"

"I KNOW YOU CAN'T" the voice cries "THAT'S WHY I'M HERE, TO SAVE YOU."

"Do I know you?" Dave asks

"OF COURSE YOU DO" the voice says "IT'S ME, GOD!"

"God?"

"YES, AND I'VE COME TO SAVE YOU. YOU DO BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?"

"Oh yes God!" Dave replies "Now please throw down a rope"

"BUT I'M GOD. I DON'T NEED A ROPE TO SAVE YOU DAVE. YOU BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?"

"Of course I do" Dave replies.

"GOOD" says God. "NOW ALL I WANT YOU TO DO IS TO LET GO OF THE ROOT, AND I'LL CATCH YOU AND BRING YOU BACK TO THE TOP OF THE CLIFF"

"Uhh.." says Dave

"YOU DO BELIEVE IN ME DON'T YOU?" God asks

"Uhmmm, yes" says Dave

"THEN JUST LET GO, AND I'LL CATCH YOU"

So Dave thinks about this for a few seconds, then yells "IS THERE ANYBODY ELSE UP THERE?!?!"

Yet Another One...

So this guy dies and goes to heaven, and Peter rocks up and says "Look, it's a bit touch and go about whether you can get into heaven or not - can you remember anything you've done that might sway god one way or the other?"
The guy thinks a bit and says "Well, I once donated 40 bucks to the cancer society"
"Uh-huh - anything else?"
"OH! I also can 50 bucks to the starving kids in ethiopia"
"Mmmm. ?"
"And I gave 10 bucks to some collectors who came to the door one day!"
"I see" says Pete "I'll just go have a word with the big guy.."
A little while passes and Peter comes back and says "I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that overall you're still an arsehole and are going to hell"
"Shit! Well what's the good news?"
"Oh, Here's your 100 bucks back"

The Luck Of The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an

 important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

 Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a

 parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life

 and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

 Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

 Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'