The Borowitz Report: Study Shows Average American Can Stand Four Seconds of Ted Cruz

Study: Average American Can Stand Four Seconds of Ted Cruz

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—In a potential stumbling block for his Presidential ambitions, a new study indicates that the average American can stand only four seconds of exposure to Senator Ted Cruz, the Texas Republican.

The study, conducted by University of Minnesota researchers during Tuesday night’s Republican debate, required subjects to be connected to electrodes to measure their tolerance for the senator.

Within four seconds of watching Cruz, the majority of participants begged to be released from the experiment, researchers reported.

In a more encouraging finding for the senator, when the same research subjects were exposed to Cruz with his voice muted, they could tolerate him for up to six seconds, the data showed.

According to the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, the results portend “significant challenges ahead” for Cruz’s campaign. “It’s hard to get your message out if, four seconds in, people just start screaming uncontrollably, as many of our participants did last night,” he said.

A campaign spokesman for Cruz, however, was unfazed by the research. “A study conducted last summer showed that people could only stand Ted for three seconds, so we’re trending in the right direction,” the spokesman said.