Trump Accuses Media Of Not Reporting Voices He Hears In His Head
TAMPA (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering attack on the media, President Trump said on Monday that the press has consistently refused to report the voices he hears in his head every day.
Trump praised the “really terrific information” he gets from the voices, which often speak to him when he is roaming the White House in his bathrobe in the middle of the night.
“They tell me that I won by the most votes ever and had the biggest Inauguration crowd ever,” Trump said. “These are fantastic voices and they’re doing a great job.”
Trump said the refusal to report what the voices tell him makes the media “the most dishonest people on earth.”
“There might be a hundred people protesting outside the White House, and at the exact same time, five hundred voices talking to me inside my head,” he said. “Guess which the press will write about?”
Offering an example of the media’s deceitfulness, Trump referred to the widely circulated story about him hanging up on the Prime Minister of Australia. “What they didn’t say is that I had to hang up because I was getting an incoming call in my head,” he said.
Trump said that because the voices in his head “keep saying that I’m the best President ever,” he does not expect the media to quote them anytime soon.
“If you want to find out what the voices in my head are saying, don’t even bother reading the newspaper,” he said. “Follow me on Twitter.”
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