"The Worst People In The Country," The Borowitz Report

Congress Marks Third Anniversary of Doing Nothing After Newtown

BY ANDY BOROWITZ

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what has become a tradition in the nation’s capital, the United States Congress on Monday notched the third anniversary of doing nothing in the aftermath of the mass shooting in Newtown, Connecticut.

As on the first and second anniversaries of the tragedy, lawmakers took up no new measures to prevent future mass shootings in the United States, and instead chose to mark Newtown’s third anniversary with a day of inaction.

In that respect, the third anniversary of Newtown resembles the thousand-plus days that came before it, during which Congress took no action on guns except to periodically vote down expanded background checks.

Interestingly, during this same period of time, many of these legislators were able to sleep at night, sources say.

According to one congressional staffer, Harland Dorrinson, marking the anniversary of Newtown by doing nothing about guns is a tradition that is unlikely to change in the halls of Congress anytime soon.

“This should be a day of prayer and quiet reflection,” he said. “This should not be a day of doing something to make things better.”