MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Borowitz Report) – Serving notice that he intends to go toe-to-toe with the controversial real-estate mogul, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker used the official announcement of his Presidential candidacy to assure Republican voters that he is as horrible as Donald Trump.
“Donald Trump has grabbed a lot of headlines over the past few weeks by spewing bigotry and venom,” Walker told an enthusiastic crowd of supporters. “I want to make it clear that when it comes to those things, I take a back seat to no one.”
Concluding his speech with a line that triggered a standing ovation, Walker said, “To those who thought Donald Trump was the only sociopath in the race, let me say this: not anymore.”
Prior to his announcement, aides to the Wisconsin governor had privately fretted that by establishing his identity as an arrogant and ill-informed merchant of hatred, Trump had appropriated Walker’s brand.
In the hopes of proving that Trump has no monopoly on odiousness, aides have released a point-by-point comparison showing that on such key issues as worker’s rights and health care, Walker is just as terrifying as the former reality-show host.
Acknowledging that Trump has dominated media attention for now, Walker’s aides believe that the governor will eventually reclaim his rightful mantle as the worst person in the race.
“Sooner or later, the Trump candidacy is going to fall apart and voters are going to be looking for another dick to vote for,” one aide said. “Scott Walker wants to be that dick.”
“Donald Trump has grabbed a lot of headlines over the past few weeks by spewing bigotry and venom,” Walker told an enthusiastic crowd of supporters. “I want to make it clear that when it comes to those things, I take a back seat to no one.”
Concluding his speech with a line that triggered a standing ovation, Walker said, “To those who thought Donald Trump was the only sociopath in the race, let me say this: not anymore.”
Prior to his announcement, aides to the Wisconsin governor had privately fretted that by establishing his identity as an arrogant and ill-informed merchant of hatred, Trump had appropriated Walker’s brand.
In the hopes of proving that Trump has no monopoly on odiousness, aides have released a point-by-point comparison showing that on such key issues as worker’s rights and health care, Walker is just as terrifying as the former reality-show host.
Acknowledging that Trump has dominated media attention for now, Walker’s aides believe that the governor will eventually reclaim his rightful mantle as the worst person in the race.
“Sooner or later, the Trump candidacy is going to fall apart and voters are going to be looking for another dick to vote for,” one aide said. “Scott Walker wants to be that dick.”
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