The best is enemy of the good.
The profoundest truths are paradoxical.
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
The Borowitz Report: Obama Pays Mexico Five Billion Dollars To Keep Donald Trump
OBAMA PAYS MEXICO FIVE BILLION
DOLLARS TO KEEP DONALD TRUMP
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Barack Obama defended his decision on Wednesday to issue a payment of five billion dollars to Mexico to compel that nation to retain custody of Donald J. Trump.
The payment, which will be delivered to the Mexican government in hard American currency by Wednesday afternoon, will insure that Trump will remain in Mexico for the rest of his natural life.
“I have been assured by the government of Mexico that Mr. Trump will be well taken care of and, if he proves to be a productive member of their society, he will be provided a pathway to Mexican citizenship,” Obama said.
While the transfer of funds to Mexico sparked howls of protest from some Trump supporters, it was hailed by congressional Democrats, as well as by over a hundred Republicans currently running for reëlection, including Arizona Senator John McCain.
The President bristled at the suggestion that paying Mexico to keep Trump was “reverse ransom” and an extravagant use of taxpayer money. “There is only one accurate word for this payment: a bargain,” he said.