Borowitz Report: Boehner Announces Ambitious Plan To Avoid Eye Contact With Cantor

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) unveiled an ambitious plan on Thursday to avoid making eye contact with outgoing House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) until Rep. Cantor leaves Congress, in January of 2015.

Speaking to reporters, Boehner acknowledged the difficulty of avoiding eye contact with the Virginia Republican for the next seven months, but he stressed the importance of his new plan.

“If I make eye contact with him, he might misconstrue that to mean that I want to talk to him,” Boehner said. “And, let’s be honest, none of us has to do that anymore.”

The House Speaker said that the success of his plan depended largely on avoiding places Cantor might be. “Fortunately, neither of us is in the office very often, so that should make it easier,” he said.

Boehner ended his remarks abruptly when he saw Cantor coming down the hall and darted into a janitor’s closet.