Cruz Hopes To Tap Into Immense Popularity of Carly Fiorina

BY ANDY BOROWITZ

INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—In choosing the former Hewlett-Packard C.E.O. Carly Fiorina as his running mate, Senator Ted Cruz hopes to tap into the immense popularity of one of the most beloved public figures in America.

Minutes after the news of Cruz’s selection leaked, political insiders called the choice of the wildly adored Fiorina a game-changer for the Cruz campaign.

“It’s no secret that Ted Cruz has some trouble with likeability,” the Republican strategist Harland Dorrinson said. “What better way to fix that than by choosing Carly Fiorina, a person everyone is absolutely crazy about?”

Fiorina’s reputation for winning the hearts of everyone she comes in contact with dates back to her days as the incredibly well-liked C.E.O. of Hewlett-Packard and, before that, Lucent Technologies.

“At Lucent, she could light up any room with her smile,” former Lucent employee Tracy Klugian said. “If you had to say what people loved about working at Lucent Technologies, it all came down to two words: Carly Fiorina.”

"Carly was more than our boss: she was our hero,” Kent Bantwell, a former Hewlett-Packard employee, said. “There wasn’t a person in the company who wasn’t touched in some way by her kindness and humanity.”

Dorrinson, the Republican strategist, said Cruz’s campaign will see a huge boost from what is widely known in political circles as “the Fiorina magic.”

“Picking Fiorina was a masterstroke,” he said. “Now all Ted has to do is sit back and watch Carly do what she does best: make people fall in love her.”