The Borowitz Report: A Letter From Senator Joni Ernst About Measles

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — On Tuesday, Senator Joni Ernst (R.-Iowa) responded to the recent measles outbreak with the following letter to the American people:

Hi, it’s Joni!

In recent days, you’ve heard about a measles outbreak among children who have not been vaccinated. Like many Americans, you have probably been asking, “How would Joni solve this problem?”

Some in the media have suggested that politicians should not have opinions about vaccinations because we’re not scientists. Excuse me, but that’s like saying people shouldn’t have opinions about flowers because they’re not bees.

The fact is, many parents are concerned about vaccinations, and for a valid reason: they’ve read something bad about them on the Internet. But the good news is that there’s an alternative to vaccinations that’s cheap, readily available, and totally safe: bread bags.

Take a look at a bread bag. It’s made out of plastic, which means that no microscopic virus can get through it, unless there’s a hole in the bag. That’s why, every morning, my parents sent me to school with bread bags on my hands.

You see, measles are a hand-borne virus. You can only catch them through contact with someone’s measles-infected hand. If every child in America would go to school with bread bags on their hands, why, before you know it, measles would go the way of the Macarena (a dance that used to be very popular but has pretty much disappeared).

Why hasn’t anyone thought of this before? Maybe because there’s big money behind vaccinations but not behind bread bags. No one makes money on bread bags. They just come with the bread.

So do Joni a favor. Tomorrow, send your kids to school with bread bags on their hands. As my mom used to say, “Joni, if there’s a problem bread bags can’t solve, it’s probably not a problem.”

To your health,
Joni

P.S. Important! This will only work if there are no holes in the bags.

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