Caesar
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Roman Emperors, Up To AD 476 And Not Including Usurpers, In Order Of How Hardcore Their Deaths Were
84-65 (tie). Titus (died in AD 81), Nerva (98), Trajan (117), Hadrian (138), Antoninus Pius (161), Marcus Aurelius (180), Septimius Severus (211), Tacitus (276), Constantius I (306), Gallerius (311), Constantine I (337), Constantius II (361), Theodosius I (395), Arcadius (408), Constantius III (421), Honorious (423), Marcian (457), Libius Severus (465), Olybrius (472), Leo I (474): Natural causes.
64. Vespasian (79): Natural causes; quipped "Uh oh, I think I'm becoming a God" as he died.
63. Diocletian (311): Abdicated voluntarily, lived for six more years in his vast palace compound tending to his vegetable gardens before dying of natural causes.
62. Romulus (~500): Forced to abdicate, sent off to live in Campania with a nice pension, presumed to have died of natural causes decades later.
61. Glycerius (480): Natural causes, after being deposed and forced to become a bishop.
60-59 (tie). Augustus (14), Claudius (54): Probably natural causes, though both were rumored to have been poisoned by their wives.
58. Lucius Verus (169): Food poisoning.
57. Jovian (364): Suffocated in his rooms by carbon monoxide fumes from a charcoal grill. Alternatively, may have eaten some bad mushrooms.
56. Theodosius II (450): Fell off a horse.
55. Claudius II (270): Plague.
54. Valentinian II (392): Discovered hanged in his palace; may have committed suicide because he was dominated by his chief general and had no real power, or may have been murdered by said chief general.
53. Tiberius (37): His entourage thought he died of old age, announced his death, then smothered him in a panic when he suddenly regained consciousness.
52. Nero (68): Tried to commit suicide as his regime collapsed; after several failed attempts, he ordered his private secretary to stab him in the throat.
51. Domitian (96): Stabbed to death by a large group of palace officials.
50-46 (tie). Caligula (41), Pertinax (193), Elagabalus (222), Balbinus & Pupienus (238): Assassinated by members of the Praetorian Guard.
45. Alexander Severus (235): Assassinated by mutinous soldiers in a coup.
44. Constans (350): Assassinated while seeking refuge from coup plotters in a temple.
43. Carinus (285): Assassinated by an officer whose wife he had seduced.
42. Caracalla (217): Murdered by one of his bodyguards while urinating on the side of the road
41. Numerian (284): Possibly assassinated by one of his officials while on campaign against Persia; his rotting corpse was carried in a closed coach for hundreds of miles across Asia Minor before his death was acknowledged.
40. Aurelian (275): Murdered by high government officials who had been shown a forged document indicating that the emperor had marked them for execution.
39-36 (tie). Gordian II (238), Philip the Arab (249), Maxentius (312), Constantine II (340): Died in battle in civil wars.
35-32 (tie). Macrinus (218), Severus (307), Licinius (325), Gratian (383): Executed after losing civil wars.
31-30 (tie). Avitus (457), Julius Nepos (480): Lost a civil war, were both forced to become bishops, then starved to death (Avitus)/stabbed to death (Julius Nepos).
29-26 (tie). Otho (69), Gordian I (238), Maximian (310), Maximinus II (313): Committed suicide after losing civil wars.
19-25 (tie). Didius Julianus (193), Maximinus Thrax (238), Trebonius Gallus (253), Aemilianus (253), Gallienus (268), Florianus (276), Probus (282): Murdered by their own soldiers during a civil war.
18. Quintillus (270): Accounts differ: Murdered by his own soldiers because he was too strict, or maybe died in battle in a civil war, or maybe suicide.
17. Gordian III (244): Died while on campaign against the Persians, possibly in battle.
16. Decius (251): Died in battle against the Goths.
15. Julian (363): Died of hemorrhaging three days after receiving a spear wound in battle against the Persians.
14. Carus (283): Possibly struck by lightning.
13. Valentinian I (375): Became so angry at German ambassadors who were not sufficiently deferential that he suffered a rage-stroke.
12. Valentinian III (455): Murdered by soldiers who had been paid to do so by a senator whose wife Valentinian had raped.
11. Leo II (474): Poisoned by his own mother so her husband could become emperor.
10. Geta (211): Murdered in his mother's arms by soldiers on orders of his brother and co-emperor
9. Commodus (192): Given poison by conspirators, but he vomited that up, so they brought in a wrestler to strangle him in the bathtub.
8. Vitellius (69): Dragged from hiding as his regime collapsed, strangled, then ritually thrown down a flight of stairs.
7. Valens (378): Wounded in battle with the Goths, he was carried to a small hut, which the Goths later burned down, unaware the emperor was inside.
6. Petronius Maximus (455): Fled Rome rather than staying to fight invading Vandals; stoned to death by an angry mob of Roman refugees.
5. Majorian (461): Deposed, tortured, and decapitated by his chief general.
4. Anthemius (472): Lost a civil war with his chief general, fled to St. Peter's Basilica for refuge, was dragged out and beheaded.
3. Galba (69) Murdered by calvary officers in a coup; severed head brought to his successor's supporters, who carried it around and mocked it.
2. Joannes (425): Captured after a civil war; after his hand was amputated, he was paraded on a donkey and subjected to insults, then decapitated.
1. Valerian (sometime after 260): Captured by the Persians and died in captivity; rumored to have been used as a human footstool by the Persian king, killed by having molten gold poured down his throat, then taxidermied.
Josh Fruhlinger quit five semesters into an ancient history Ph.D. program
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