WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The
international terror group known as Al Qaeda announced its dissolution today,
saying that “our mission of destroying the American economy is now in the
capable hands of the U.S. Congress.”
In an official statement published on the
group’s website, the current leader of Al Qaeda said that Congress’s conduct
during the so-called “fiscal-cliff” showdown convinced the terrorists that they
had been outdone.
“We’ve been working overtime trying to
come up with ways to terrorize the American people and wreck their economy,”
said Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri. “But even we
couldn’t come up with something like this.”
Mr. al-Zawhiri said that the idea of
holding the entire nation hostage with a clock ticking down to the end of the
year “is completely insane and worthy of a Bond villain.”
“As terrorists, every now and then you
have to step back and admire when someone has beaten you at your own
game,” he said. “This is one of those times.”
The Al Qaeda leader was fulsome in his
praise for congressional leaders, saying, “We have made many scary videos over the years but none of them was as terrifying as Mitch McConnell.”
As for the future of Al Qaeda, the
statement said that it would no longer operate as a terror network but would become
“more of a social network,” offering reviews of new music, movies and video
In its first movie review, Al Qaeda gave
the film “Zero Dark Thirty” two thumbs down.
Yes, George W. Bush did what he could to get the ball rolling... And, truth be told, Islamic terrorists prostrate themselves in gratitude. However -- now that John Boehner, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell and increasingly cranky Tea Party leadership have seized control from the Republican Old Guard -- al Qaeda recognizes the time has come to leave this decisive work to quisling professionals who can achieve complete economic chaos with maximum speed and efficiency.
Personally, I hope American "conservatives" -- and the right-wing radio hosts who keep them well-informed -- continue their insuperably good work vouchsafing the mid-term success of American Liberalism. Who -- other than these men (and Ann Coulter) -- could devise an agenda so single-mindedly devoted to infuriate women, to enrage minorities, and to alienate young people for at least a generation?