January
2, 2013
Posted by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON
(The
Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of the fiscal-cliff deal,
Republicans in Congress issued a heartfelt apology to the top 1.5 per cent
richest people in America, offering “messages of profound condolence” for
allowing their taxes to increase slightly.
“Our
hearts go out to them,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio), still
teary-eyed after hanging up the phone with a multimillionaire in Orange County,
California. “We came to Washington to do the work of 1.5 per cent of the
American people, and we didn’t get it done.”
The
House Speaker said that he had spoken to several members of the top 1.5 per
cent who were “understandably despondent” over seeing their taxes rise
marginally as a result of the deal: “Some of them were so upset they even
considered moving to Canada, until they found out the taxes were higher there.”
Mr.
Boehner said that he tried to offer the wealthy consolation by reminding them
that because of an increase in payroll taxes, millions of middle-class and
working-class Americans would be suffering more than they would: “That usually
put them in a better mood.”
House
Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) assailed the fiscal-cliff legislation
today, calling it “a classic example of putting 98.5 per cent of the American
people ahead of the rest of the country.”
Offering
words of hope to the top 1.5 per cent, Mr. Cantor said, “In a few months we’ll
have the next debate about the debt ceiling. As God is my witness, we will try
to do a better job of bringing this nation to the brink of Armageddon.”
But
to billionaires such as Harland Dorrinson, a longtime super-donor to the
G.O.P., such assurances ring hollow: “If the fiscal-cliff deal is the kind of
performance we can expect from Republican politicians, what’s the point of
owning them?”
Read more: http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/borowitzreport/2013/01/republicans-apologize-to-top-15-per-cent.html#ixzz2GsJfGmuJ
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