JON STEWART: For more on this, I'm joined by John Oliver, live in Cairo.  John, how's everything going?
JOHN OLIVER: Hi, how are you doing?
JON STEWART: What's happening?
JOHN OLIVER: What's happening?  Jon, oh, it's beautiful here, Jon.  A friendly people, rich history, delicious food, I'm having a fantastic time.
JON STEWART: Well, that's... I'm surprised.  Really?  That's great.
JOHN OLIVER: No, not really, Jon!  Of course not!  Have you been near a fucking television recently?  Things are pretty en fuego around here!  But look, I think it's important for us all to pause, and note that it is clearly not the majority of Muslims who are protesting in the streets.  And it's not even the majority of protestors who are getting violent.  And, to put this in context, we should really remember Islam's young age.
JON STEWART: What... it's young...?  Wait, Islam is 1,400 years old!
JOHN OLIVER: Yeah, exactly, Jon.  In religious years, Islam is still just a teenager. And put it in context.  Think what Christianity was doing when it was only 1,400 years old.
JON STEWART: Oh, no, that's not... (ponders, to audience applause)  I guess....  Yeah.... I guess....
JOHN OLIVER: Exactly.  Bloody Crusades, the Inquisition, execution of heretics.  Christianity's frankly just lucky there weren't cell phones around then to film that shit.  (audience laughter and applause)
JON STEWART: I guess, you know what?  I mean, if you think about it, when Judaism was still a teenager....
JOHN OLIVER: Oh, Judaism?  Are you kidding me?  You people couldn't keep your teenage shofars in your tunics!
JON STEWART: Oh, that's true.
JOHN OLIVER: Begetting in Canaan.
JON STEWART: Begetting in Babylon.
JOHN OLIVER: Oh, begetting right here in Egypt.
JON STEWART: Hey, we were begetting it so much, we couldn't even stand on a mountain without having to hold a tablet in front of our... you know what I mean?
JOHN OLIVER: Exactly!  You people nearly begat yourselves blind!
JON STEWART: Yeah.
JOHN OLIVER: The point is, Jon, there is good news.  And that is that religions grow out of this awkward phase.  Again, look at Christianity.  We've aged into young adulthood.  And now we can all laugh about the time we used to burn young girls at the stake for being left-handed.  Or as we called it back then, witchcraft.
JON STEWART: Yeah... I don't think that's so funny.
JOHN OLIVER: Yeah, well, Jon, that's because your religion is... actually, in fact, how old are you?
JON STEWART: Well actually, we're 5773 today!
JOHN OLIVER: Honestly, you don't look a day over 5729.  That's a fact.
JON STEWART: Well, nice of you to say.  We've been jogging.
JOHN OLIVER: Well, you're glowing.  It's working, that's the point.  The point, Jon, is that we need to be patient with Islam.  They do not have it easy.  Remember, most teenagers have some means of escape from their insecurities.  They smoke pot, they experiment with sex, all-night bacon parties, Reformation.  Muslims can't do any of that stuff right now.
JON STEWART: So you're saying, if we just wait 3 or 400 years....
JOHN OLIVER: Oh, yeah, half a millennium at most.
JON STEWART: And then there'll be peace.
JOHN OLIVER: Peace?!?  What??  Fuck no, Jon!  But if we're lucky, we will finally stop fighting over real or imagined insults to our religions, and go back to fighting over what really matters — natural resources and arbitrary lines on maps!  (wild audience applause)
JON STEWART: That would be nice.
JOHN OLIVER: That would be nice.
JON STEWART: Thank you very much, John Oliver.
JOHN OLIVER: Wouldn't that be nice?
JON STEWART: John Oliver, everybody.  We'll be right back.