The Borowitz Report: Troubled Man Seen Outside Super Bowl

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ — A “visibly troubled” man was spotted today outside MetLife Stadium just hours before the kickoff of Super Bowl XLVIII.

The man, his eyes darting about menacingly, alarmed passersby who were gathering at the Super Bowl venue.

Harland Dorrinson, who was participating in a pregame tailgating party, said he overheard the belligerent man making several “threatening remarks.”

“He said something like, ‘If I go down, I’m taking a lot of people with me,’” Mr. Dorrinson said. “He also said that someone was out to get him, but he was going to get him first.”

“He was ranting about how terrible this person was, saying, ‘Everything our high-school social studies teacher said was true,’” Mr. Dorrinson added. “It was the ravings of a madman.”

Calling the man “really scary and dangerous,” Mr. Dorrinson said he hoped that authorities would take the troubled individual into custody before the big game begins.

“He’s clearly angry and out of control,” he said. “A guy like that shouldn’t be in a position where he can do other people harm.”