Last night, Stephen Colbert led off by mocking the do-nothing 113th Congress.
And you know where things are always happening, Washington, D.C., where Congress only has 10 work days left, so you know there's going to be a flurry of activity as they pack for vacation. Because, folks, this Congress has earned a very special distinction.
THOMAS ROBERTS (12/3/2013): The 113th Congress is about to go down as the least productive in our American history.Oh that's not fair! They're doing something. They're getting into the Guinness Book of World Records! And folks, that makes it twice if you count John Boehner's fingernails.
CHRIS JANSING (12/3/2013): If you can believe it, only 55 bills have been signed into law this year. That makes this the least productive Congress ever.CHRIS HAYES (12/4/2013): The least productive Congress in the history of the American republic.ALAN COLMES (8/8/2013): It literally is a do-nothing Congress.
Now sure, the 113th hasn't passed the bills every Congress does, like a highway bill, or a defense bill, or a farm bill, or a budget. But, I mean, what do we need a budget for? Clearly not for highways, defense, or food. Besides, Congress did pass a bill ensuring that people can fish near dams on the Cumberland River, and they also passed deep cuts in food stamps for the poor, which is good solid governing, because the poor don't need food stamps anymore, now that they can fish near dams on the Cumberland River. Remember the old saying, "Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Take away his food stamps, maybe he won't." (audience laughter)And folks, I am so excited to have others report that there's been an even bigger bipartisan achievement.FOX32 (11/18/2013): Congress is about to shell out $55 million dollars to pay for retirement benefits for a group of chimpanzees. The 300 chimps are part of a research testing facility, who are being sent to a habitat in Louisiana to live out the rest of their lives. The money will be used to provide the animals with housing, food, and medical care.That's right, the government is paying for research chimps to retire to Louisiana. Because not even psychologically scarred apes want to live in Florida. (wild audience laughter and applause) Big Sunshine State fans tonight.
Nation, this is great news, because it means Congress can agree on a social safety net, as long as it's not for human beings. And if they're willing to reward research chimps with cushy retirement, I see no reason why we shouldn't just offer the same deal to our elderly, as long as we can use them for medical experiments first.Face it, come on, face it, they already swallow whatever pills you put in the tray. And since we won't need chimps for research anymore, we can have them do all the things Congress refuses to pay people to do. Like rebuilding our bridges, or paving our highways. I mean, it would be so much better! Because a chimp on a tricycle is funny, but a chimp on a steamroller? Hilarious!And come to think of it, why don't we just put the chimps in Congress?(wild audience cheering and applause)After all, they've got a lot of experience... they've got the experience you need — they jerk off in public and throw shit at each other. (wild audience laughter and applause)
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