WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The
spending cuts mandated by the sequester may hamper the United States’s ability
to invade countries for absolutely no reason, a Pentagon spokesman warned
today.
The Pentagon made
this gloomy assessment amid widespread fears that the nation’s ability to wage
totally optional wars based on bogus pretexts may be in peril.
“Historically, the United States has stood
ready and able to throw billions of dollars at a military campaign with no
clear rationale or well-defined objective,” said spokesman Harland Dorrinson.
“Our capacity to wage war willy-nilly is now in jeopardy.”
In the past, Mr. Dorrinson said, the
Pentagon has had the resources to fight three meaningless and completely random
wars at any given time, “but now in our planning meetings we are cutting that
number back to two.”
Sen. Lindsey Graham (R—S.C.) agreed about
the catastrophic effects of the Pentagon cuts, telling reporters, “The ability
of the United States to project its military power in an arbitrary and totally
capricious way must never be compromised.”
The cuts are already being felt in a
tangible way at the Pentagon, which today cancelled an order for a
nine-thousand-dollar pen.
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