Pax on both houses: Stephen Colbert Reports on Benghazi As Probingly As Fox News

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Stephen Colbert Reports on Benghazi As Probingly As Fox News

Last night, Stephen Colbert dropped his own bombshell on 60 Minutes and their fake Benghazi story and apology, with his own exclusive interview with someone who was there! And you'll never believe who was behind it!!

Folks, what more is there to say than Benghazi, Benghazi, Benghazi! And I'm not the only one.

GRETCHEN CARLSON (10/28/2013): New mainstream media outrage now over the Benghazi terror attack. But it's certainly not new for you out there, our viewers. Because the wrenching report on 60 Minutes last night was filled with information Fox uncovered months ago.

STEVE DOOCY (10/28/2013): I think it's great that mainstream media, finally catching up. CBS did this story on Benghazi, and I see criticism from the left, where they're all, "you guys are covering a phony scandal". 60 Minutes doesn't cover phony scandals.

Yes, another network covered it. That's how you know Fox News's reporting is accurate. It's just like their motto — We Report, But You Should Really Check With Someone Else.

(audience laughter and applause)

Also, CBS should've checked with someone else, because Morgan Jones's story turned out to be totally fake. Including his name, which is not Morgan Jones, but Dylan Davies, which actually sounds even more fake. In fact, in his incident report to his employer,Davies wrote that "he spent most of that night at his Benghazi beach-side villa", nowhere near the embassy. Evidently, the guy he hit in the face with the butt of his rifle that night was a cabana boy. And God, I hope it was his rifle!

Now CBS knew Davies had lied to his employer, but believed the heroic version he told them, because their sources led them to believe that Davies' FBI report was "in sync" with what he told 60 Minutes.

Or he might have told the FBI that he was the lead singer of 'N Sync, it's not clear. Because later the New York Times checked with the FBI, and Davies' FBI testimony isnot what he told 60 Minutes, so "CBS News quickly checked its own FBI sources ... and learned ... what Mr. Davies had told the FBI differed from what he told us.'"

So, CBS fact-checked the story, but when it turned out to be wrong, they fact-checked it for realz, y'all. (audience laughter)

And, on last night's the 60 Minutes, Lara Logan addressed the controversy head on, at the very top of the last minute of the show.

LARA LOGAN (11/10/2013): We end our broadcast tonight with a correction, on a story we reported October 27th. ... We realized we had been misled, and it was a mistake to include him in our report. For that, we are very sorry. The most important thing to every person at 60 Minutes is the truth. And the truth is, we made a mistake.
Folks, I'm not buying this. CBS is good at journalism. There's only one logical explanation for what really happened here. Hillary Clinton got to them!! (dramatic music)

You see, as you well know but I will repeat as often as possible, Hillary Clinton was Secretary of State during the Benghazi attacks. I mean, that's her official photo.

Ergo, quid pro quo, amicus brief, she is to blame. And now she's so hungry for power in 2016, that she somehow convinced 60 Minutes to air this false Benghazi apology to discredit their investigation.

And we here at The Colbert Report have now found an eyewitness with startling new details concerning the night of the tragic CBS-Benghazi apology. Jim?

STEPHEN COLBERT: I understand you were a college intern at 60 Minutes.

PONCHO DENEWS: Yes.

STEPHEN COLBERT: And for your own safety, you are using an alias tonight. What is that?

PONCHO DENEWS: Poncho Denews.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Now, Poncho, you were interning the night all hell broke loose at 60 Minutes.

PONCHO DENEWS: Yes, Stephen, I was definitely there that night because I'm an actual human witness.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Tell us what happened, Poncho.

PONCHO DENEWS: Well, I was coming back from getting chewing tobacco for Leslie Stahl, when I heard explosions of shouting.

STEPHEN COLBERT: And what did you do next?

PONCHO DENEWS: I ran towards it. I scaled the 30-foot wall surrounding the newsroom. Once I landed, a shadowy figure ran towards me, so I knocked him out with the butt of my harpoon gun.

STEPHEN COLBERT: And who was that?

PONCHO DENEWS: Turns out it was Morley Safer. But, then I turned around, and I saw... I saw....

STEPHEN COLBERT: Who did you see?

PONCHO DENEWS: It was Hillary Clinton and her band of thugs! She was swinging a bike chain and yelling, "We're here to kill the story! Who wants to eat some chain?" (audience laughter and applause) Then she pistol-whipped Morley Safer. Which was cruel, since he was already unconscious.

STEPHEN COLBERT: So it was Hillary Clinton who made CBS apologize.

PONCHO DENEWS: Yes!

STEPHEN COLBERT: I knew it! Anything else?

PONCHO DENEWS: Yes, Stephen, I have one more exclusive. I'm not really 60 Minutesintern Poncho Denews. I'm... (takes off facial hair) Charlie Skinner!

Of Atlantis Cable News channel, as profiled in the HBO documentary The Newsroom! (wild audience laughter and applause) Gotcha!!

STEPHEN COLBERT: What?! Where'd that college intern go??

CHARLIE SKINNER: There never was any intern, Stephen! I did it to prove a point! That as journalists, we are the gatekeepers of truth! We separate right from wrong, fact from fiction, delicates from permanent press! I recall a man who said, "With great power comes great responsibility." That man was Spider-Man's uncle. And now... he's dead! The public needs us to be the watchdogs of democracy. We have a responsibility to criticize our leaders without reproach, report national secrets without fear of imprisonment. If we violate this contract, this public trust....

STEPHEN COLBERT: How much longer does this go?

CHARLIE SKINNER: Almost done. Then we will have a puppet press of hearsay and innuendo and speculation, hyperbole, and nonsense! Ding dong! Who is it? It's Domino's. But more importantly, it's the truth!! (wild audience laughter and applause) Delivered hot and crusty! Or your money back! That's a guarantee we make America every night, otherwise the world is just crazy bread.

STEPHEN COLBERT: Technically, crazy bread is Little Caesar's.

CHARLIE SKINNER: It's called poetic license, goddamnit!

STEPHEN COLBERT: You're right, The Newsroom's Charlie Skinner. Now if you'll excuse me, there's something I have to do.

We end our this part of the show with a correction. In our report tonight, a man named Poncho Denews claimed he was a 60 Minutes intern, and we believed him because he had an ID lanyard. (audience laughter)

Following the report, the Washington Post, the New York Times, and the TV Guide all reported that he was actually the actor Sam Waterston, star of The Plastic Dome of Norma Jean. (wild audience laughter) Look it up, look it up.

We checked with our sources at IMDB, and it turns out we made a mistake. We should not have used him in our report. And for that, we're very sorry. The most important thing to everyone here at The Colbert Report is the truth. And the truth is, it's somebody else's fault. We'll be right back.