Happy Birthday Ringo!

A definitive ranking of every song Ringo Starr wrote for The Beatles

Ringo's songwriting credits for The Beatles: a conclusive list.

Ringo Starr turns 76 on Thursday (July 7), and he's as adorable, if criminally underappreciated, as ever.

Throughout his time in The Beatles, Ringo was constantly relegated to the role of Hufflepuff to John Lennon's Slytherin, Paul McCartney's Gryffindor, and George Harrison's Ravenclaw. (And I know, I know, it is actually now widely accepted to be a Hufflepuff. But let's make this analogy happen.) With such big and often warring personalities at play, poor happy-go-lucky Ringo's artistic talent was too often sidelined. After all, the man has some serious songwriting chops, a fact he proved whenever he could (read: whenever Paul and John would let him). 

Below, we've taken it upon ourselves to compile a comprehensive ranking of every song Ringo ever wrote for The Beatles. Scroll to reap the benefits of our exhaustive research. 

2

"Don't Pass Me By"

The fact this track is found on the "White Album" and not, say, "Yellow Submarine," undeniably makes it Ringo's worst song. 

The "White Album" is arguably the single greatest product of the Beatles' collective genius (outside of the "Abbey Road" medley). Sandwiched between "Rocky Raccoon" and "Why Don't We Do It in the Road?", this song, then, feels sadly lacking in comparison. With lyrics like "Don't pass me by/don't make me cry/don't make me blue," its message is a little *too* perfectly representative of Ringo's plea to be heard. Poor Ringo.

Interestingly, its lyrics also contain one of the key "Paul Is Dead" conspiracy theory clues: "You were in a car crash, and you lost your hair."

Could Ringo be talking about McCartney? Or is it possible he was merely trying to find something to rhyme with "unfair?" You be the judge. 

1

"Octopus's Garden"

And now, the moment you've all been scrolling for: Ringo's best song is undeniably "Octopus's Garden."

To truly appreciate "Octopus's Garden," which on surface level is simply a silly kids' tune, you have to understand the tension happening within The Beatles at the time Ringo wrote it. 

It was 1968, the band was recording the "White Album," and everything was basically going to shit. Mom (Paul) and Dad (John) were constantly fighting, and George was basically the emo teenage son locked in his bedroom all the time. So Ringo peaced out and took his family on a boat trip in Sardina, Italy, for some much-needed escape. While there, his boat's captain told Ringo everything he knew about octopuses — including that they build gardens. Actual gardens, filled with shells and shiny things, outside the entrances of their caves. 

Ringo thought that the idea of an octopus' peaceful undersea garden sounded damn terrific, especially when contrasted with the storm within his band at the time. Thus, the song was born, and later included on the iconic "Abbey Road" album. 

Harrison thought the song was marvelous — but not in an intentional way (nice double-edged compliment, Harrison), saying:

"I think it’s a really great song, because on the surface, it just like a daft kids’ song, but the lyrics are great ... like ‘resting our head on the sea bed’ and ‘We’ll be warm beneath the storm’ which is really great, you know. Because it’s like this level is a storm, and if you get sort of deep in your consciousness, it’s very peaceful. So Ringo’s writing his cosmic songs without noticing."

***Jokes aside, this list has helped us unearth what we believe to be a brand new Beatles' conspiracy: Ringo's go-to peace sign pose isn't intended to signify love and acceptance. Rather, it's a constant reminder to his public of how many Beatles songs he wrote. Thanks, Ringo!