Februrary 28, 2013
Andy Borowitz
SHANGHAI — In a rare announcement from
a notoriously publicity-shy group, Chinese hackers revealed today that they
were dropping the United States government from their official list of
high-value targets.
“We have to
allocate our time and energy to hacking powerful organizations,” a spokesman
for the hackers said. “Right now, calling the United States government an
‘organization’ would be a reach.”
He added that
the hackers’ ultimate goal had been to hurl the U.S. government into a state of
abject paralysis, “and they seem to have already taken care of that on their
own.”
The spokesman
acknowledged that despite years of compromising U.S. government computers, the
hackers had obtained little of value, especially on the hard drives of
congressional offices.
“Those
computers did not appear to be used for anything work-related,” the spokesman
said. “Basically all we found were restaurant reservations and porn.”
U.S. stock
markets plummeted on the news of the hackers’ downgrade, which was widely
denounced by American politicians as a hostile act designed to cripple the
economy. “This is an insult to the American people,” said House Majority Leader
Eric Cantor (R-Virginia). “We demand that the Chinese resume hacking us at
once.”
But according
to the hackers’ spokesman, any chance that they might put the U.S. government
back on their list of targets was remote at best.
“We need to
focus on higher-functioning governments,” he said. “We’re taking a close look
at Venezuela.”
No comments:
Post a Comment