John Kelly Departs White House With Nuclear Codes Hidden In Pants
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The outgoing chief of staff, John Kelly, departed the White House with the nation’s nuclear codes hidden in his pants, General Kelly has confirmed.
Kelly, whose illustrious military career spanned five decades, called his absconding with the nuclear codes “my greatest act of service to my country.”
Speaking to reporters from his home, Kelly said that he had planned the heist of the nation’s nuclear codes with the pinpoint timing of a clandestine military mission.
“I went into the Oval Office on Friday when I knew Trump would be distracted because ‘Fox & Friends’ was on,” he said. “Then, when he started tweeting something that one of the hosts told him to do, I slipped the codes into my pants, as quick as lightning.”
Kelly revealed that, in order to prevent Trump from retrieving the codes, he was keeping them in his pants for safekeeping.
“Let’s see that draft-dodging coward try to get them off me,” he said, his eyes gleaming with malice.
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