Psychological Disease, Repetitive Hellishness, Stuckness And Accomplishment

Dear T,

Thanks for sending me this email.

I understand that the relationship between "will" and "action" -- especially when one is depressed or anxious -- is a dicey issue.

That said, almost always it is possible to "begin a task" by dint of sheer will power (even though most "afflicted" people will swear otherwise... which begs the question: "To what extent does psychological affliction distill to swearing otherwise?).

Taking the first small step in any process is "no different" than deciding to visit the bathroom, then choosing to put one foot in front of the other.

Ever since I "caught" D's disease --- and also as a function of the psychological pressures of mid-life parental responsibilities --- I have experienced considerable anxiety, particularly when I awaken in the night and then again when I awaken in the morning. 

Although I know what you mean by "not wanting to face up to the simplest tasks and responsibilities," I also know the tremendous satisfaction when tasks and responsibilities that have been shirked are finally accomplished.

The demonstration of competence is a HUGE PART of feeling good about oneself - and about Life generally.

So, I encourage you to use will power to take that first step. (Please hear this.)

As Liverpool friend John Griffin Green used to say: "All ya gotta do is get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other."

Use will power to take the first step.  

As our Danny knows: "Even a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step."

Plus, when you actually "accomplish tasks and discharge responsibilities," it feels good in three ways:

1.) You prove to yourself that you can "choose" to undertake activity, which, by virtue of the activity itself feels good and imparts comfort.

2.) You accomplish something that needs to be done.

3.) You accomplish what's necessary "sooner rather than later" and therefore invoke no "late penalty," which - tyically - saves both time and money. (Plus, sooner-or-later, certain things have to get done so why not sooner than later.)

When I was a young man, I read George Gurdjieff and was impressed by his comment that 'anything worth reading is worth reading three times.'

In large part, this recommendation for "triplicate reading" arises from the fact that the first time (or two) we read something, our reflex is NOT to listen to the wholeness of what is being said, but to begin (frequently self-defensive and reflexive) "criticisms" and "counter-arguments." 

Not surprisingly, all of us believe we are "right." 

Even more particularly, people who are caught in endlessly-repetitive "hell states" tend to take perverse "comfort" in not only believing they are "right," but exhibit unusually fierce determination to stay stuck in their hellish repetitiveness no matter how much they say they "want to be free" of their "demons." 

Although the following parallel is by no means exact, consider how Trumpistas are determined to stew in their own hellish juice, while simultaneously believing they are abolutely right. And NOTHING -- certainly not trivialities like Facts and Truth -- can persuade them to change, even though (I think) you will agree that they would have no difficulty changing if they just decided to learn "something." Instead, they cultivate ignorance, presuming they KNOW IT ALL. And -  pièce de résistance - any deviation from what they currently "know" would be deliberate engagement of falsehood. (It's complicated!)

In the end, there is an ineluctable inclination to "cling to the devil we know rather than fly to the devil we know not."

In any event, by the "third reading" (of any document), we have exhausted our passion for "reflexive opposition" and finally have opportunity to "hear" what's being said "in the round." 

In traditional parlance, by the the time of our third reading,  we can finally start to "unpack" what "words" (by their nature) condense. 

Plus, in terms of this email, it would take you much less time to read it three times than it took me to write it.

Reading this email three times could be a way to honor my effort. 

In any event, it's beneficial to read important writing three times.

*****

Danny is reading alongside me and just recommended a "brilliant" play entitled "Every Brilliant Thing" by British playwright Duncan Macmillan.

Here's Wikipedia's blurb:

Every Brilliant Thing

Every Brilliant Thing was produced by Paines Plough and Pentabus, enjoyed sold-out runs at three consecutive Edinburgh Festivals and continues to tour worldwide. During its run at the Barrow Street Theatre in New York, it was filmed for broadcast on HBO. It is an interactive monologue, performed with audience participation. Its original performer was the comedian Jonny Donahoe.

Macmillan has described his reasons for writing the play as to communicate to people "You’re not alone, you’re not weird, you will get through it, and you’ve just got to hold on. That’s a very uncool, unfashionable thing for someone to say, but I really mean it. I didn’t see anyone discussing suicidal depression in a useful or interesting or accurate way."^[5]

Love

Alan

PS In the front part of last century, Gurdjieff operated The Institute For Harmonious Living on the outskirts of Paris. He was famous for putting people to work on collaborative projects -- sometimes as simple as digging a trench -- to enable them to see not only how they would collaborate and to what extent people's "desire to do things their own way" contributed to (or obstructed) completion of tasks, but more importantly to enable them to see how "head-butting" (over "the best" way to do something) affected their own psychological development and their relationship with other people. In the context of this letter, I would suggest that if you run out of tasks to perform, just invent them, for the sake of practicing "willed accomplishment." For example, instead of "sitting in the middle of a funk," get up (immediately!), walk to the nearest public library and ask the librarian about the best book she read in the last year - and the best book she ever read. 

On Wed, Feb 14, 2018 at 2:17 PM, TC wrote:

Hi Dr L,

I am slightly better, less shaking in my head, but still scared and anxious and it's very hard to face up to even the smallest tasks and responsibilities that I keep avoiding. They seem so monumental and I don't feel grounded. 

TC