Friday, March 21, 2014

Favorite George Carlin Shticks

He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh.
Islamic saying

"The American Dream"
(Foul-mouthed but brilliant.)

"We Like War"

"There is just enough bullshit to hold things together in this country. Bullshit is the glue, that binds us as a nation. Where would we be without our safe, familiar, American bullshit? Land of the free, home of the brave, the American dream, all men are equal, justice is blind, the press is free, your vote counts, business is honest, the good guys win, the police are on your side, god is watching you, your standard of living will never decline… and everything is going to be just fine— The official national bullshit story. I call it the American okie doke. Every one, every one of those items is provably untrue at one level or another, but we believe them because they're pounded into our heads from the time we're children. That's what they do with that kind of thing—pound it into the heads of kids, ‘cause they know the children are much too young to be able to muster an intellectual defense against a sophisticated idea like that, and they know that up to a certain age children believe everything their parents tell them. And as a result, they never learn to question things. Nobody questions things in this country anymore. Nobody questions it—everybody is too fat and happy. Everybody's got a cell phone that'll make pancakes and rub their balls now— Way too fucking prosperous for our own good. Way too fucking prosperous, Americans have been bought off and silenced by toys and gizmos. And no one learns to question things."
George Carlin

"The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think that it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills, and it's very brightly coloured, and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question - is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say 'Hey! Don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because, this is just a ride.' And we...kill those people. Ha ha ha. 'Shut him up! We have a lot invested in this ride. SHUT HIM UP! Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and family. This just has to be real.' It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. But it doesn't matter because: it's just a ride. And we can change it anytime we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings, and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourselves off. The eyes of love, instead, see all of us as one. Here's what you can do to change the world, right now, to a better ride. Take all that money that we spend on weapons and defence each year, and instead spend it feeding, clothing and educating the poor of the world, which it would many times over, not one human being excluded, and we could explore space, together, both inner and outer, for ever, in peace."

George Carlin

"Americans are fucked. They've been bought off. And they come real cheap: a few million dirt bikes, camcorders, microwaves, cordless phones, digital watches, answering machines, jet skis and sneakers with lights in 'em. You say you want a few items back from the Bill of Rights? Just promise the doofuses new gizmos."  George Carlin

"Shopping and buying - and getting and having - comprise the Great American Addiction. No one is immune. When the underclass riots in this country, they don't kill policemen and politicians, they steal merchandise. How embarrassing."  George Carlin

They debated the NAFTA trade bill for a long time: should we sign it or not? Either way the people get fucked. Trade always exists for the traders. Any time you hear businessmen debating "which policy is better for Americans" don't bend over.  George Carlin

In a consumer society, there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. Ivan Illich  

The preceding four quotes are excerpted from "War, Peace and Political Manipulation."

  • Pax on both houses: George Carlin Quips

  • Pax on both houses: George Carlin's Greatest Stand-Up Routine 

  • Pax on both houses: George Carlin: "The Death Penalty"

  • Pax on both houses: George Carlin: On Government

  • Pax on both houses: George Carlin: What Governments Want

  • Pax on both houses  George Carlin on Pro-Lifers

  • Pax on both houses: George Carlin On "The American Dream" (Video)

  • Pax on both houses: George Carlin: "We Like War Because We're good at it"

  • "Brain Droppings"
    Freely accessible online:,+gizmos,+doofuses&source=bl&ots=H5p0aqu_B-&sig=_HJ9ezYV4tw1f-W7XeXvuj2Ar3U&hl=en&sa=X&ei=JEosU_aRJsHCywHO4oDIBA&ved=0CEMQ6AEwAw#v=onepage&q&f=false 

    What else you need to know...

    A woman marries a man thinking he will change and he doesn't.
    A man marries a woman thinking she'll never change and she does.

    One more thing...

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