Saturday, March 31, 2012

Witty political quips

After Stephen Douglas called him two-faced, Abraham Lincoln asked...





Miriam Hopkins to an anonymous singer:


Groucho Marx to a "You Bet Your Life" contestant who said he had 10 children


Reporter: "What do you think of Western civilization?"
Gandhi: "I think it would be a good idea."


Gandhi argued that complete realisation of God was impossible in this embodied life. "The writer wants to know why, if God is a God of mercy and justice, He allows all the miseries and sorrows we see around us.  I can give no satisfactory explanation.  He imputes to me a sense of defeat and humiliation.  I have no such sense of defeat, humiliation or despair.  My retirement, such as it is, has nothing to do with any defeat.  It is no more and no less than a course of self-purification and self-preparation.  I state this to show that things are often not what they seem.  It may be that what we mistake as sorrows, injustices and the like are not such in truth.  If we could solve all the mysteries of the universe, we would be co-equals with God.  Every drop of the ocean shares its glory but is not the ocean.  Realizing our littleness during this tiny span of life, we close every morning prayer with the recitation of a verse which means: ‘Misery so-called is no misery nor riches so-called riches.  Forgetting (or denying) God is the true misery, remembering (or faith in God) is true riches.’ 


Dear Ed,

Thanks for the great quips!

Do you know the following Churchill story?

Winston Churchill had been drinking heavily at a party when he bumped into Bessie Braddock, a Socialist Member of Parliament.

“Mr. Churchill, you are drunk,” Braddock said harshly.

Churchill paused and said, “And Bessie, you are ugly. And you will be ugly for the rest of your life. But I... I shall be sober in the morning.”

* * *

John Wilkes, an eighteenth-century political reformer, was involved in a particularly angry exchange with John Montagu, the Fourth Earl of Sandwich. “Sir,” Montagu exclaimed, “I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox!”

To which Wilkes responded, “That, sir, depends on whether I first embrace your Lordship’s principles or your Lordship’s mistress.”

The following quips are from a website with a number of good links -

Top 30 Politician on Politician Insults

This past year, Flavorwire published three highly successful and hilarious lists of the greatest insults from the worlds of rock music, literature and cinema. Incredibly, they omitted a list of some of the fiercest insults from politicians on other politicians. Unfortunately, in our politically-correct day and age, good political putdowns are far and few between. Yet every once in a while someone will get off a good zinger. What follows are 30 of my favorite political insults of all time.

Winston Churchill on Prime Minister Clement Attlee: "He is a modest man with much to be modest about."

Winston Churchill on Prime Minister Clement Attlee: “An empty cab pulled up to Downing Street. Clement Attlee got out.”

Winston Churchill on Prime Minister Lord Rosebery: “He was a great man in an era of small events.”

Winston Churchill on Neville Chamberlain: “He looked at foreign affairs through the wrong end of a municipal drainpipe.”

Benjamin Disraeli on William Gladstone: “If Gladstone fell into the Thames, that would be a misfortune. If anybody pulled him out, that, I suppose, would be a calamity.”

MP Jonathan Aitken on Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher: “She probably thinks Sinai is the plural of sinus.”

Abraham Lincoln on Stephen Douglas: “His argument is as thin as the homeopathic soup that was made by boiling the shadow of a pigeon that had been starved to death.”

Gerald Ford on Ronald Reagan: “Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange.”

Adlai Stevenson on the Republican Party: “If they will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.”

Adlai Stevenson on Richard Nixon: “The kind of politician who would cut down a redwood tree and then mount the stump to make a speech for conservation.”

John Quincy Adams on Thomas Jefferson: “A slur upon the moral government of the world.”

Andrew Jackson: “I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun.” John C. Calhoun was his Vice President.

18) Assistant Secretary of the Navy
Teddy Roosevelt on President William McKinley: “(N)o more backbone than a chocolate eclair.”

17) John Montagu: (after a heated exchange with John Wilkes) "Sir, I do not know whether you will die on the gallows or of the pox!"
John Wilkes: “That, sir, depends on whether I first embrace your Lordship's principles or your Lordship's mistresses.”

Barney Frank on George W. Bush: “People might cite George Bush as proof that you can be totally impervious to the effects of Harvard and Yale education.”

15) The Republican Party on President John F. Kennedy (paraphrased): “The president’s rocking chair is a perfect symbol of his presidency: It gives the illusion of movement without actually moving forward.”

Former Sen. Bob Dole on George W. Bush: “Well, he got this new globe for Christmas,” dispelling rumors that George W. Bush lacks a grasp of foreign affairs.

Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle: “Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy, I knew Jack Kennedy, Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy.”

Golda Mier to Moshe Dayan: “Don't be so humble, you're not that great.”

Bob Dole on Carter, Ford and Nixon: “History buffs probably noted the reunion at a Washington party a few weeks ago of three ex-presidents: Carter, Ford, and Nixon -- See No Evil, Hear No Evil, and Evil.”

Jim Hightower on George HW Bush: “If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drilling rights on George Bush's head.”

Pat Buchanan on Bill Clinton: “Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much confined to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes.”

Lyndon Johnson on Gerald Ford: “He's a nice guy, but he played too much football with his helmet off.”

Senator William E. Jenner on New York Governor W. Averell Harriman: “He’s thin, boys. He’s thin as piss on a hot rock.”

Georgi Plekhanov, Russian Social Democrat, on Lenin: “You show the bourgeoisie your behind. We, on the contrary, look them in the face.”

Georges Clemenceau on David Lloyd George “Oh, if I could piss the way he speaks!”

The conservative Winston Churchill once entered a men's room to find Labor’s Clement Attlee standing at the urinal. Churchill took a position at the other end of the trough. “Feeling standoffish today, are we, Winston?” Attlee asked. “That's right. Every time you see something big, you want to nationalize it.”

3) Then Conservative leader
David Cameron on Prime Minister Tony Blair: “He was the future once.”

2) Australian MP
Paul Keating on John Hewson: “He’s like a shiver waiting for a spine.”

TX Governor Ann Richards
on George W. Bush: “Poor George, he can't help it. He was born with a silver foot in his mouth.”


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