Trump Calls Drinking Glass of Water Proudest Achievement as President
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Monday called his successful drinking of a glass of water at his Tulsa rally his proudest achievement as President.
“I brought that glass of water up to my mouth and drank from it without spilling a drop on my tie,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “You can look at the tape. There was not a single drop of spillage.”
Trump added that, while drinking a glass of water was an impressive achievement in itself, executing it so well in front of such a large crowd made it even more extraordinary.
“There was a lot of pressure on me to drink that water right,” he said. “There must have been forty thousand people there.”
Trump lashed out at the media for emphasizing the missteps of his Presidency while failing to cover his crowning moments, such as his flawless quaffing of a glass of water.
“I guarantee you, all the dishonest media is going to want to talk about this week is the coronavirus and unemployment and protests,” he said. “You people will act as though me drinking that glass of water never happened.”
In his most stunning claim, Trump argued that he might be “better at drinking a glass of water than any other President in history.”
“You won’t find any tape of Obama drinking water, probably, because he was afraid of spilling,” Trump said.
“Honest Abe, I will bet you anything, got water on his beard, which is disgusting. Look at the tape of me again and decide for yourself. I drank a perfect glass of water. Anyone who says differently is a horrible human being.”
Andy Borowitz is a Times best-selling author and a comedian who has written for The New Yorker since 1998. He writes The Borowitz Report, a satirical column on the news.
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